What’s this? why yes…..it’s anOTHER African Journal!!
Before I flew back to INA to marry my wife, gua mau beliin keluarga dan temen deket gua, oleh-oleh…u know, something Ivorish. Gua akhirnya dianjurkan ke pasar seninya oleh temen gua, Moise (he’s ivorian) untuk dapet harga yang kompetitif.
As a rule of thumb, di mana2 kita pergi, kalo kita terlihat asing, nah pasti harga dimahalin. Now, being the only yellow skinned bloke in Ivory coast, gua yakin pasti gua dikibulin makanya gua minta Moise dan pacarnya, Frida, untuk nemenin gua dan bener aja, pas nyampe sana, whaaaaa…gua ditarik-tarik sana-sini oleh penjual, suruh beli ini-itu at a reasonable price of 6 TIMES THE FUCKING VALUE!! U TWATS! What’s wrong with u people?
They were shouting at me…
I was shouting back at their penises (we were standing on the same ground level, but everyone’s here is twice my size.”
“U need to calm down when going to places lie this.” kata Moise
Oh yeah? why dont U TRY to be calm when everyone looks like they want U to be gang-raped. Ill calm down AS SOON AS I HAVE A FUCKING SHOTGUN, MATE!.
Kita jalan. Di sini banyak patung dewa. Gua gagal mendapatkan literatur ttg dewa mereka coz guess what? THEY NEVER WRITE? So naturally I asked alot of questions.
“What is that statue?”
“That’s goddess Kouk goabone akibnyeorteri.”
“Riiiiiiiight….that was my guess. Who is she?”
“The goddess of fertility.”
“Why does she look like as if she is killing someone?”
“That’s the goddess of Potowensw cowbailabalibali.”
“What is she?”
“Goddess of virgin.”
“Why does she have big butts?”
“That’s her breasts.”
“What is that?”
“Poj enbsi xoew sqoa x kalokaiutaran.”
“Whatever…” I why-me-ed my eyes.
“He’s the God of fertility.”
What is it with them and fertility?
“You ivorians are very much into this fertility issue huh?”
“No, no…he is the god of LAND fertility” He said, pointing index finger upwards, intonizing a difference.
“AHHHH I see.” It became clear to me. “And what is he holding there?”
We cam accross this huge balck wooden statue. BIG ASS.
“This is soooo hyperbolic” gua membentuk tanda bulan dengan kedua tangan gua.
“What is she?”
My friend tapped his finger on the lips and looked at the sky…”I dont know.”
“With the size of her BUTT, she sld stand as tall as the empire state building.”
“No she’s not.”
“Yes she is my frined heheheh” kata gua sambil nyolok2 pake tongkat yang ada di dekatnya.”
“She’s not, because she’s alive.”
Gua ama temen gua buru2 sebelum wanita itu nyadar dan nengok. We finally arrived at this store. It has
1. these white wooden ivorian dolls,
3. a strore vendor, twice my size, with notorious curly hair chest, no clothes, and lokked as if he had just gunned someone down.
Kita buka bargain. Gua beli banyak patung, harga dibuka di 6000 cfa. lama-lama turun dan settle di 2500 cfa. TWAT!
“What’s that?” kata gua setelah beli, melihat ke patung gede, nyeremin bgt megang tongkat.
“I don’t know how to say it, but she’s a goddess. She helps people find their wife/husband faster…”
“AHHHHH dewa Jomblo!!!!” kata gua.
“Oh, nothing….and what’s the story with the stick?”
“You have to hit the person first.”
“That’s a suicidal way to get married isn’t it?”
“What do u mean, sucidal?”
“Well, I wld like to find a wife, but I dont want to have a cracked skull.”
“Oh no, who hit them nicely.”
“It’s a Big ass stick, Moise…”